


Camera Shy

by longleggedgit



Category: Big Bang (Band)
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-07-04
Updated: 2011-07-04
Packaged: 2017-10-21 00:21:36
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,718
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/218738
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/longleggedgit/pseuds/longleggedgit
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>TOP thinks he's fat. Daesung thinks he's stupid.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Camera Shy

**Author's Note:**

> Written for aunt_agatha as a (super late) birthday present! We were discussing the weird phenomenon of TOP, of all people in the universe, having low self-esteem about his physical appearance, and this is what came out of it. Thanks to reallycorking for all the help along the way!

Seunghyun was the one who dragged his feet about going to the beach from the start, and he'll remember from now on to trust his instincts. Small islands in Japan are still islands in Japan, where they have tens of thousands of avid fans, but Seungri whines and Jiyong needles and Daesung and Youngbae just look generally disappointed until he finally agrees.

"I don't like swimming in public," Seunghyun mumbles in the van, clutching his bag on his knees and trying not to look anxious. Jiyong sees right through him, as usual, and laughs before shouldering him in a way that's supposed to be friendly but really just hurts.

"You're such a baby," he says. "Are you still worried about this?" As he speaks, he inches a hand down and grabs Seunghyun's belly through his tank top. Seunghyun twists away, pressing himself closer to the door, and gives Jiyong a death glare. It only makes Jiyong laugh.

From Jiyong's other side, Seungri leans in and quirks an eyebrow. "If you'd just work out once in a while, you wouldn't have to dress like an old man," he says sagely.

"Watch what you say to your hyung," Daesung advises from the front seat, saving Seunghyun the trouble of smacking Seungri in the face. He decides to do it anyway.

"Hey!" Seungri says, like he actually wasn't expecting it.

While Seungri's rubbing his nose, Youngbae tries to mediate. "We could probably all stand to improve our workout routines," he says gently. This only succeeds in making Seunghyun snort, because everyone knows if you tripped and hit your head on Youngbae's abs you'd get a concussion.

"We're here!" Daesung announces, just before the van slows to a stop.

Seunghyun presses his cheek against the window and tries not to resent the beach for how perfect it looks. There's not a soul in sight, at least; maybe he can handle being here if he just keeps his tank top on and goes right into the water. Jiyong whoops his excitement and climbs over Seungri's lap, launching himself out of the car before the rest of them have even gotten their seat belts unbuckled.

"Freak," Seungri says, but he has a hard time maintaining his cool as he fumbles with his belt and hurries to follow Jiyong's example.

Youngbae gets out next, checking at his feet and behind the seats to make sure no one's forgotten anything and then thanking the driver, awkwardly, because she's a woman. Seunghyun is still sitting in the exact same place, unmoving, as Daesung climbs out of the passenger seat. Daesung shifts his beach bag to his shoulder, stretches leisurely, and then whirls upon Seunghyun's door, smiling and pressing his face close to the window. Seunghyun only rolls it down because he knows if he doesn't Daesung will never leave.

"Coming, Hyung?" Daesung asks sweetly.

"I think I'll just stay in the car until I pass out," Seunghyun says. It's a black van, and a miserably hot, humid day. The air conditioning's only been off for about twelve seconds but already he can feel the sweat trailing down his temple.

Daesung surprises him by reaching over and catching said trail of sweat with his thumb, examining it thoughtfully. "Sounds fun," he says. "I'll be in the water."

Daesung's flip-flops kick up white sand behind him as he floats away, and Seunghyun hesitates for half a second before opening the car door and stalking after him.

Jiyong, Seungri, and Youngbae have already spread out their towels on the beach, but Youngbae's the only one still sitting on his, carefully applying sunscreen to every inch of his skin. In the water, Jiyong appears to be trying to drown Seungri, who appears to be enjoying it.

"If you get sunburned, the President is going to kill you!" Daesung yells at the water, hands cupped around his mouth.

"I never sunb—" Seungri starts, cutting off with a yelp when Jiyong trips him from behind and holds him underwater.

Seunghyun sits on Jiyong's towel and watches them with a glower, hating Seungri for his relatively toned body and hating Jiyong for being as gangly as a twelve-year-old but apparently not caring. He's not sure how Jiyong can turn off the superstar mindset and be so completely comfortable with himself, but he manages it wonderfully—maybe because, of everyone Seunghyun knows in the business, Jiyong is inarguably the best at it. He would take the time to hate Youngbae, too, but it's impossible to think badly about Youngbae for very long without feeling guilty.

"Coming, Hyung?" Daesung's voice, repeating his earlier question, snaps Seunghyun out of his resentment. He looks up at the same time Daesung strips off his shirt but quickly turns away, pretending the sun is in his eyes. Daesung's abs are second only to Youngbae's and Seunghyun doesn't need any more reminding.

"Yeah." Seunghyun tosses his bag onto the sand. He and Daesung turn at the same time to Youngbae, who is now lying on his back with his arms pillowing his head, by all appearances fast asleep. "Let's go," Seunghyun says.

Daesung laughs. "You're keeping the shirt?"

Seunghyun doesn't look at him but stuffs his hands in the pockets of his trunks. "Why not?" he says.

"Come on, Hyung." Seunghyun does look then, and Daesung is wearing an expression of mingled amusement and pity, which pisses Seunghyun right off.

"Why the hell does it matter?" Seunghyun snaps. "Why does everyone care so much what I wear or don't wear?"

"Hyung," Daesung says, whining, stepping in so he can grab the hem of Seunghyun's tank top and tug. "It's the beach. It's only us. Just let go for an hour."

Maybe it's the tone of Daesung's voice, or exhaustion at his persistence, or just the heat. Seunghyun tsks and removes his shirt slowly, like his muscles are stiff, before dropping it next to his bag.

"Happy?" he asks.

Daesung grins, then laughs, then jumps on Seunghyun's back, and Seunghyun makes it two steps before they both fall down and he ends up with sand in his trunks. It does succeed in making him forget his nakedness—at least until the next morning, when he wakes up, turns on the computer, and sees his picture on the front page of his bookmarked celebrity news site.

"T.O.P. TOPLESS," the headline reads, next to a picture of him and Daesung rolling in the sand. Daesung's stomach looks cut and flawless, as always. Seunghyun's spills over the waist of his trunks. He turns off his computer, crawls into to bed, and lies there, trying to get back to sleep so he can wake up and discover it was all a nightmare.

Jiyong comes in instead, about four minutes later. "Um," he says. "Probably you shouldn't turn on your computer today."

"Too late," Seunghyun says.

 

It's not the only Big Bang news item of the weekend. Seungri's fierce sunburn gets some flack, as do Jiyong's skinny legs, but the light remains undeniably focused on Seunghyun's flab. He tells himself to just leave it but can't help going back to the forums after Jiyong leaves, scanning comments while rubbing his temples miserably. Some, the more forgiving fans, are just condescending:

 _tabi looks so cute, like a chubby little kid ^^_ , writes one, to a chorus of agreement.

Others are not so kind. _seriously, I thought TOP was over the baby fat thing? YG needs to whip that boy into shape, he's gonna embarrass the other members._

It stings, despite all the years Seunghyun has spent carefully building up his defenses to exactly this kind of attention. He slips into the shower without meeting anyone else, hesitating when he starts to remove his clothes because, even though he double-checked the door is locked, he's itching with stupid paranoia about hidden cameras. After a brief struggle, he settles with covering the mirror with a hand towel and tries to get himself clean as quickly as possible.

He forgot to bring a change of fresh clothes, so he puts his boxers and t-shirt back on before leaving the bathroom, with about the worst possible timing. Daesung stops two steps back from the bathroom door, eyes wide, taking in the sight of Seunghyun.

"Hyung," Daesung starts, softly.

"You just couldn't leave it alone, could you?" Seunghyun says, and his voice is surprisingly soft, too.

Daesung doesn't answer, so Seunghyun just towels off his hair one more time with an angry flourish and lets the towel drop to the floor. He leaves Daesung to pick it up, face burning at his own immaturity.

When they fly back to Korea that night, Seunghyun picks the window seat next to Youngbae and curls up immediately, pretending to fall asleep. He and Daesung have sat side-by-side on flights ever since Seunghyun once admitted they make him feel sick and Daesung offered to massage his head.

If Daesung looks hurt about it, Seunghyun never sees. He feels nauseous all the way home.

 

Being a pop star can't be put on hold for bad press or grudges against your bandmates, so the next week proceeds as usual, apart from the fact that Seunghyun is careful to pick the seat furthest from Daesung during rehearsals and meals. He's pissed at everyone, but looking at Daesung is what reminds him most vividly of the pictures that keep popping up online, all variations of the same scene but inspiring fresh humiliation with every fresh angle.

To their credit, everyone seems to understand there's no talking Seunghyun down right now. Jiyong is short and professional with him. Youngbae is kind, but not in such a sugar-sweet way that it comes off as condescending, and Seungri wisely keeps a very wide radius. Daesung doesn't try to confront him again, but Seunghyun can feel eyes on him sometimes, and he doesn't have to look up to know who they belong to.

They make it through Wednesday without incident, but Thursday is the day Seunghyun has most been dreading. He and Daesung are slated to appear on a new talk show together, just the two of them, since they were the only two free at the time of scheduling. When the morning of rolls around, they still haven't spoken since the morning after. Seunghyun feels sick all the way to the studio and can't bring himself to eat breakfast, sucking morosely on a cup of coffee instead and ignoring the way it burns, acidic and bitter, in his empty stomach.

Seunghyun needs to be in the make-up room but Daesung is being taken to wardrobe first, so they have to part ways inside. Before Seunghyun can disappear down the hall, Daesung catches his arm.

"Good luck," Daesung says. "It'll be fine."

Seunghyun swallows and doesn't look up. He's been trying not to think about it too hard, but it seems Daesung's figured out exactly what Seunghyun's been dreading: it's his first public appearance since the photo leak. Sometimes these things go completely unattended to by hosts and interviewers, but sometimes they're latched onto like a dog with a bone and can't be shaken. It's impossible to know which way Big Bang's TOP having a gut will go this week.

When Daesung lets go, Seunghyun feels strangely disappointed, and he's tempted to actually say something but never gets the chance. The head make-up artist steps in between them, introducing herself, and by the time they're finished bowing Daesung is gone.

They're onstage before Seunghyun sees Daesung again, from a chair near but not exactly next to his, angled at a curve so they can both be seen clearly by the audience. As the lights go up and the interviewer starts talking, Seunghyun is reminded why he's so grateful for Daesung's presence whenever he has to make a public appearance involving conversation. This kind of thing has always made Seunghyun nervous, whatever the circumstances, but in the past few years Daesung has become an expert at it, bantering so easily with interviewers that all Seunghyun really has to do is go along with it and laugh in the right places. It's part of his image, anyway, being reserved and a little reluctant to talk. Or at least that's what Yang Hyun Suk told him.

"We've hardly heard from TOP," the interviewer says, and Seunghyun covers his surprised jerk by uncrossing and recrossing his legs. "Do you have anything you want to address today?"

Seunghyun digs his fingers into the armrests on his chair and hopes this isn't going where he thinks it is. "Not really," he says. He realizes he's forgotten the interviewer's name, even though he's somewhat famous and they were introduced formally before the show. Sweat starts to bead on his face.

"No? Nothing about a recent day trip to a beach in Japan?"

The audience starts to chirp in excitement; they've clearly been waiting for the interviewer to bring it up. Seunghyun won't get off easy today. He tries to school his features into a cool mask but can't help looking to Daesung, just like always, when he visits variety shows where Daesung is a regular and he needs help. Daesung is still smiling at the cameras, but it doesn't reach his eyes.

He won't be getting any help right now, then. Instead of answering, Seunghyun covers his eyes and does his best to look embarrassed but amused. It's probably what they want.

"We have a very exciting beach photo here," the interviewer says. Seunghyun doesn't have to look up to know what they're flashing on the monitors, but he does anyway, bashfully, because it's expected of him. The audience cheers and his face burns almost as bad as the coffee in his stomach.

"Ah, don't tease us!" Daesung says. "I thought it was going to be 2NE1 in their swimsuits."

Everyone goes crazy, which gives Seunghyun a few seconds to get over his shock at Daesung coming to the rescue and laugh along with them.

The interviewer, however, is not so easily distracted, and once they've calmed down he gets right back to it. "But really, TOP, tell us about this. Don't you think it's bad for Big Bang's image?"

Daesung swoops in again, before Seunghyun can even open his mouth. "Why would it be bad for our image?"

"Well, the rest of Big Bang is really quite fit," the interviewer says, clearly a little startled by Daesung's uncharacteristic edge but going along with it like a professional. "I would think the other members would be embarrassed."

"None of us are embarrassed at all," Daesung says, so cooly neither the interviewer nor the audience seems to know how to react.

"But surely," the interviewer tries with a nervous laugh, "when you're revealing yourself like that—"

"What does your stomach look like?" Daesung interrupts him, impudent. The audience's reaction is immediate and surprised, but then they begin the catcalls, and the interviewer has no choice but lift up his shirt.

"That's way worse than TOP-hyung!" Daesung exclaims, clapping his hands together and laughing. The audience goes wild.

"It's true," the interviewer admits, patting himself on the belly. "I hate exercise."

"I think TOP-hyung's body is better than most people's," Daesung says. "He's just TOP so everyone pays attention and gives him a hard time about it."

Seunghyun's mouth feels dry, but he remembers to force a quick smile when the audience laughs again and the cameras focus on him.

"So the biggest member of Big Bang is being defended by the ugliest," the interviewer jokes.

It's lucky that the cameras turn to Daesung at this, to document his good-natured grin and shrug. From his chair, Seunghyun is frozen, struggling to contain his anger. And that's when he realizes: of all people, Daesung knows exactly what Seunghyun is going through. He's the last person in the world Seunghyun should be mad at.

"Daesung isn't ugly," Seunghyun says, before he can stop himself. First the interviewer, then the audience and cameras, and finally Daesung turn to stare. Seunghyun's shoulders tighten but he sets his jaw in a firm line and doesn't back down. "I don't get why everyone always says that," he concludes, a little lamely, but eloquence has never been his strong point.

Silence presses in from all corners of the room, and Seunghyun can't bring himself to meet anyone's gaze, least of all Daesung's. For once, he ends up feeling grateful to the interviewer, who changes the topic gracefully.

"I think TOP and Daesung are feeling a little sensitive today," he says. "Why don't we focus on your new single instead?"

The interviewer prattles on but Seunghyun drifts out, hoping the red in his cheeks and the sullen tilt to his chin isn't too obvious on TV. When he finally chances a look in Daesung's direction, Daesung's eyes are steady on him, shining above his smile. Seunghyun gives him the most imperceptible of nods, and it's the easiest way to say _Thank you, I'm sorry_ he knows.

 

They ride back in the van together in silence, even though Seunghyun isn't mad anymore and Daesung knows it. Seunghyun just can't figure out what to say, and despite the fact that there's no more animosity he still feels weirdly on edge, unable to work the tension out of himself no matter how hard he drums his fingers on his leg. Once they get home, Daesung just smiles and climbs out first, and Seunghyun watches him disappear down the hall that leads to his and Seungri's rooms.

Seunghyun goes down his own hall and hovers in his kitchen for a few minutes, halfheartedly poking through the cupboards for something to eat. No one else seems to be back yet from whatever they're doing today; he could check the schedule in the living room but he doesn't really care. Eventually, he finds a package of crackers that aren't so stale he can't eat them. He takes one out, chews slowly, puts the package down on the counter, and walks with sudden purpose back the way he came.

"I was just coming to get you," Daesung says, opening his door after Seunghyun knocks only once. "Do you want to eat?"

He nods because his words still aren't working right, even though they've been offstage for a couple hours now. Daesung nods too and leads the way into his kitchen. Normally Seunghyun wouldn't eat something Daesung cooked without quizzing him extensively as to what's in it, but today he sits down at the table with his hands in his lap and politely thanks Daesung when he puts a plate down in front of him.

"This is good," Seunghyun says after taking the first bite, trying to mask his surprise but apparently failing, because Daesung takes one look at his face and bursts out laughing.

"It's leftovers from that curry restaurant," he admits. "I was going to try and trick you, but I guess it's just that obvious."

Seunghyun smiles. "Well, thanks," he says. Daesung sits across from him and they eat in complete silence, every bite growing more and more difficult as Seunghyun's stomach twists and lurches and his appetite dwindles.

"I'm sorry," he says suddenly, setting down his chopsticks and lifting his eyes to meet Daesung's, guilty.

Daesung sets his chopsticks down, too, so he can rest his chin on his hands and tilt his head to the side. "You don't have anything to be sorry for, Hyung."

It's his complete calm that gets Seunghyun; the way none of this seems to faze him, none of it has fazed him from the beginning. "How do you do it?" he asks. "Doesn't it ever bother you?"

He's relieved when Daesung doesn't need to ask what Seunhyun is talking about. "Sure," Daesung says. "But if I listened to everyone who told me my eyes were too small to be a singer, I never would've made it this far."

Seunghyun sits back in his chair, scowling because he'd like to say something damning about everyone who's ever insulted Daesung's physical appearance but knows it would make him a hypocrite. Memories of his own words come back to him unbidden, to the same effect of what the interviewer said today: allusions to Daesung only making it into the group by the skin of his teeth based on talent alone, jabs about looking pathetic and uneducated. He can't believe he's never thought about it in these terms before, never even considered it might be a sensitive point for Daesung, who always seems so carefree and confident, who's never once thrown a tantrum about being mocked publicly for his physical appearance like Seunghyun has been doing for a week.

"Finished?" Daesung asks. Seunghyun thinks he's talking about something else for a moment, then realizes he means the meal. He nods and Daesung takes both their plates, scrapes them over the trash, and dumps them in the sink. When he turns back to face Seunghyun, he freezes, probably because Seunghyun can't tear his eyes away. "You're freaking me out, Hyung," Daesung says.

"When I first tried to get signed," Seunghyun says, "they said I was too fat."

Daesung is very still, on guard, like he doesn't know what to do with Seunghyun in this state. Seunghyun doesn't blame him. "I know," Daesung says, carefully. "But, Hyung—doesn't it just make you feel even more proud, now that you look like—" he trails off, gesturing at Seunghyun from head to toe.

"Like what?" Seunghyun says.

"You honestly," Daesung says, halting a little in his speech, "have no idea, do you?" He laughs, but it's not the usual kind where he throws his head back and brightens up the room. "God. Have you ever even _seen_ a mirror?"

Seunghyun stares, then frowns, then clenches his hands into fists. "I don't understand what you mean."

"Look at yourself, Hyung," Daesung says. He seems exhausted now, almost sad. "You must know you're gorgeous."

The word hits him in the gut, so hard Seunghyun feels dizzy, sucker-punched. "You," Seunghyun says.

Daesung's cheeks are getting red and he can't meet Seunghyun's eyes, but still he manages to say clearly, "Why do you think I wanted you to take your shirt off, anyway?"

He should be used to feeling like an object of desire by now, but fans are different—they only see him after extensive hours of make-up, styling, photobrushes. They only see a carefully constructed image, exactly what YG wants them to see. The idea that Daesung—someone who really knows him, who's seen him at his worst—might feel that way is so alarming Seunghyun has to stand up and move, walking in a vague circle around the room. He stops in front of the couch and sits down heavily, and soon Daesung follows his example, taking a seat at a safe distance to Seunghyun's left.

"I used to think," Daesung says, staring straight forward with his hands balled on his thighs, "you were just really vain. I couldn't believe how much you fixated on one tiny flaw like that."

Seunghyun swallows back his instinct to protest, because he both wants to hear where this is going and doesn't feel he has the right to argue. Maybe Daesung's right; maybe he's become so obsessed with the image he worked so hard to construct that it's taken over his common sense.

"Now I think I get it. You're just an idiot."

Seunghyun blinks and Daesung laughs, to take the edge off. It's not exactly what Seunghyun was expecting to come next. "I don't know what I am," he says at length, because he feels it's his turn to say something.

"Well, it's not fat." Daesung's tone has an edge of reprimand to it, which Seunghyun supposes he deserves. "And it's not insecure, either. You know better than that."

He does, and he nods once to show he's at least trying. But now there's something new gnawing at him. "When you said—before—" he trails off, fumbling, wanting more than anything to run away, but the cameras are all on him now and Daesung isn't going to rescue him this time. "What did you mean?"

Daesung just sighs. "You know what I meant," he says, standing up and brushing himself off.

Seunghyun grabs his hand and Daesung freezes; they both freeze. Seunghyun is so panicky he's certain he'll throw up. He has no plan of action, has absolutely no forethought to clue either of them in as to what he's doing, but he knows this is important so he moves blindly, tugging Daesung back down to the couch. This time they're much closer, thighs pressed together, and Daesung's face is especially close when he turns to Seunghyun, wide-eyed and questioning.

"You're not ugly," Seunghyun says, fiercer than he intended, and he presses his forehead to Daesung's.

Daesung smiles, and it melts Seunghyun, eases him. He allows himself to close his eyes.

"I know," Daesung says, and kisses Seunghyun on the nose.

Seunghyun's actually shaking when Daesung shifts to bring their faces closer, which is embarrassing but somehow feels like a distant concern compared to Daesung's fingertips drifting across Seunghyun's face. They kiss slowly, getting the feel for it breath by breath, neither one taking control. It feels luxurious, to sigh and nudge at each other's mouths, like giving in to an indulgence Seunghyun has been denying himself for a long time. Then Daesung's hand slips under Seunghyun's shirt, fingers spreading across his stomach, and Seunghyun jerks and pulls away.

"What are you doing?" he asks, cheeks burning hot.

In answer, Daesung just cocks an eyebrow and continues to move his hand in slow circles. Seunghyun can't deny the way it sets his nerves on fire, his skin jumping at the contact like it can't get enough.

"I told you to stop with the insecurities," Daesung reminds him, curling his fingers so his nails just barely skirt across Seunghyun's stomach.

Seunghyun sucks in a shuddering breath, guilty under Daesung's gaze, and resolves himself. He grabs his shirt at the hem and pulls it over his head, tossing it behind the couch, completely awkward and more embarrassed than he's ever been in his entire life. Then Daesung beams, pushes him down on the cushions, and starts sucking on his neck like a horny teenager.

Seunghyun forgets to feel embarrassed after about a minute.

 

The next time they fly to Japan, it's for promoting instead of pleasure. They have six very full days scheduled including travel, but Seunghyun doesn't mind the rush as much as he usually might. He slips into an aisle seat next to Daesung, who prefers the window anyway.

"Nervous?" Daesung asks.

"Of course not," Seunghyun says, and means it.

Seungri, settling himself in the seat across the aisle from Seunghyun, can't help but slip in a snide little jab. "Not planning on a beach getaway this time?"

"We wouldn't be that irresponsible, Seungri," Daesung says, as quick and smooth as when he's on a talk show. "Your skin isn't even completely recovered from last time."

Seungri huffs and pretends to be less offended than he is. Seunghyun smiles and settles in against Daesung's shoulder, ready to doze the entire way there. It's as much physical intimacy as they're willing to show in public, which is no different than how they've always been, but Seunghyun thinks there's something exciting about it now, like having a secret in high school that's so good you're itching to tell everyone.

"Cold?" Daesung doesn't wait for an answer before spreading a blanket across both their laps.

Seunghyun twists toward him and waits for takeoff, and just like he's expecting, the wheels of the plane have no sooner left the ground than Daesung's right hand snakes across both their stomachs and under Seunghyun's shirt. It doesn't make him anxious anymore. Now he revels in it, the slow tickle against his skin, the way Daesung can still occasionally make his muscles jump by brushing against the sensitive places on his sides.

"That's so cute," comes Jiyong's voice from above them, and Seunghyun opens one eye when the sound of a shutter and a bright flash jolt him.

"This will be all over the internet tomorrow," Jiyong promises, probably not genuinely, but sometimes it's hard to tell.

Under him, Daesung chuckles, his fingers never faltering beneath Seunghyun's shirt. Seunghyun closes his eyes and doesn't mind at all.


End file.
